


The Testified Truths of the Troublesome

by mademoisellePlume, Vinnocent



Series: Witchstuck [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Blood Magic, Blood and Injury, F/M, Innuendo, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 02:34:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3511997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mademoisellePlume/pseuds/mademoisellePlume, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinnocent/pseuds/Vinnocent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Libra informs Dave that the coven is unstable, that they have a weakness. The coven confronts Cancer with the help of some Crockbertleys. Finally, some plot. Also, meeting additional spirits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Your name is Dave Strider, and your girlfriend is a sexy-scary brain dragon. You call to her with one of those plastic ounce scales sitting in front of you, a small but slowly growing collection of garnets in its bucket. At the forefront of the collection of trolls on your shelf is a plush dragon that you stuffed her original troll inside of. You also cut its eyes out and put LEDs inside. She fucking loves that thing.

"I call out to The Blindness of Scales," you say, concentrating on the idea of her. "That hella boss dragon lady which lives in Libra or something like that. You've got some moon in you right now, so maybe shit will work better this time. I gotta feeling she wants to talk to me, somehow, just a hint, maybe all that crazy laughter she had me do in public. So I'm reaching out to the ultra fine lady of truths and justice and sick vengeance. I call upon—"

Fire-hot breath glances over the side of your throat. The words _Are you done yet?_ slither across your mind.

"Naw, BoS, I got way more fancy words. I worked hard on this shit."

_Lies!_ she laughs in your mind, and you can't help laughing along.

"Yeah, okay," you admit. You almost open your eyes, then remember how much more trouble you have focusing on her when you start realizing you can't see her. You really should invest in a blindfold or something, to avoid those frustrating little mistakes. Or at least remember to turn the lights off, maybe. "So what did you— oof!"

She pushes on your chest with big, clawed paws — are lizard feet paws? She doesn't have enough energy to actually push you down herself, but she has enough to make you hallucinate the pressure on your chest so that you go down on you own, tucking your chin to avoid hitting your head on the floor. With a pleased little growl, she hops on top of you, and you can feel the presence of her paws (still not sure that's what they're called) above your shoulders and beside your hips. Her snout is snuggling into your hair, and her tail is beginning to wind around your legs and places adjacent to your legs.

God, and you keep teasing Jade about being a furry… "Uh, not that I'm complaining, babe, but is this really what you wanted to talk about?"

_I wanted to talk?_ says her voice in your mind, like the hiss of a thousand serpents, yet somehow understandable.

"I thought you did?" you say. You crack open one eye briefly to snap out of her hold. You sit up, then close your eyes again.

_No fair!_ she pouts. She coils around your back and huffs fire.

"Just after we raised Jasper into the spirit world, you made me make a fool of myself," you remind her. "What for?"

_Don't need my help for that!_ she teases. You can feel the rumble of her chest against your back as she giggles to herself.

"Blindness, I was sitting there laughing my ass off for no goddamn reason!" you insist. "I know it was you. Just tell me why. I'm not mad."

_Hmph! I'm not being evasive! I just don't remember silly things like that off the top of my head!_ she insists. _Okay, I might have been a little evasive? But you look so funny when you get worked up!_

"I'm not worked up," you grunt, and you swear to god you hear Bro snickering somewhere in the apartment.

_AHAHAHA!_ You wait for her to stop laughing way too hard at things that aren't actually jokes, and you are very definitely not cracking a smile yourself. Nope. Way too much of a badass to be moved by the adorannoying habits of a dragon spirit. _Okay, okay!_ she says at last. _When did you say it was?_

You exaggerate your sigh for her sake. "When me, Rose, Dirk, and Rox raised up that dead cat. The sun was in Pisces, and… so was Pisces. Jegus, astrology is weird. Like, ‘Hey, not only are we gonna section space like it’s a two dimensional thing instead of a three-dimensional thing, but we’re gonna do it according to constellation, which is a thing we just made up, except not exactly according to constellation, because that shit isn’t evenly distributed. Also, they move. But are we gonna move our space allocations with them? Hell no.’ Hey, are you listening?"

_Hmmm, that was a while ago…_ she muses, making it clear that she stopped paying attention once you’d answered her question.

"A couple weeks ago!" you counter.

_Yeah… Hm…_ she continues. You are eighty thousand percent sure she’s dragging this out for shits and giggles, and you kind of adore her for it. _Oh, Rose was there? Was this when she was going on about stability and security?_

Your stomach sinks a little. "Yeah?" you say uneasily.

_Yeah, I just wanted to show her that I appreciated the joke!_

"That… That wasn't a joke, t-BoS," you say quietly.

_I KNOW, RIGHT?! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

You swallow your nerves and force a little laugh. "Okay, girl, chill. It was funny weeks ago. Joke's over now. Time to explain to those of us slow on the uptake."

She pouts again, sliding off your back. _But it's not funny if I have to explain it!_ she objects.

"Well, you want me to laugh with you next time, right?" you reason. "Think of it as an investment in the funny jokes of the future."

She shrugs. _I dunno? It's just funny when you tell lies but you don't know they're lies! They're… what do you call it? IRONIIIIC?!_ She giggles about that for a minute or so, until she realizes you're not laughing. _What?_

"Girl, we have no idea we're not secure," you tell her in a carefully casual monotone. “Like, I know you know we don’t know, but what I’m saying is that this is kind of a thing we need to know. Y’know… in order to not be dead?”

A pause. Then, _Oh… Ooooh! That **is** quite the serious matter! Hrm… _

"Yeah, kinda? It depends, I guess," you admit. "Maybe if you could tell me _why_ our sense of security is a lie…?"

She lays her head on your lap. You swear she keeps getting heavier. _Sorry, Cool Kid! Not my area! I know where the lies are, I seek the justice, and I balance the imbalance! Truths… may not necessarily be clear to me?_

You frown. "What? Why not? How do you seek justice without truth?"

She laughs at that. _Cherry Candy-Blood, all I need to know is that someone is lying! That they're a bad person! Often, the details are just details! Nice to have, but ultimately not the point?_

You roll your eyes. "Wow, spirits are weird."

She shoves you back down again and licks a stripe up your neck and jawline, making you squirm and uselessly try to swat her away. _And humans are delicious!_ she counters.

Two days later, the moon is in Scorpio. You put down one of those liquid timers that flows up and down at the same time and a small vial of medicinal scorpion venom that had cost you a pretty penny. "I call on The Precariousness of Poison to hear me, answer me. I wish to speak to she who puts fear in the eyes of monsters. The biggest of all bitches. I call on that kindness which will almost definitely kill you. I implore she who—"

_Oooooooo, what is this thing? I like it!_ her grating cry of joy suddenly sweeps across your soul. _I bet she'd like it. Ha, mine now!_

"Goddamn it, why can't any of you let me finish?" you ask without any actual seriousness.

_You will talk forever if we let you,_ she says absently, still playing with the timer — as much as she can play with anything without actually touching it. _That means something, coming from me. What's up?_ Her attention turns to you, and you can feel her examining you carefully with her so-called eight-fold gaze. _You almost never call on me. Why not?_

"Because you're an evil bitch," you tell her.

_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!_ she laughs in your mind. Goddamn, those two are a pair. … And you will never tell t-BoS you thought that. _So, come on, tell me what is up!_

"I need to know if you see holes in our security. My… _ugh_ … My _coven_ and I. Any weaknesses besides the usual 'Wow, you suck. Your continued survival is miraculous'?" you ask, carefully counting out the words in your impression of her on eight fingers to make sure you get it right. Swallowing all that pride is hard, but this is a potentially important subject.

_Hm, nope! You still suck! Can't help you!_ she cackles. _Such pretty webs of defense you weave yourselves! Too bad it's no good; you will die. All you pretty humans die in the end._

You groan at her posturing. "Okay, but can you tell if anything's gonna kill us soon?"

_I’m not your stupid girlfriend’s stupid blind prophets,_ she sneers. _Be less of weenie, you won't have worries._

"Yeah, thanks," you snap, opening your eyes and kicking over the timer. Of course she liked the plastic piece of shit better. You can hear her laughing at you as she disappears. Some straight up Disney villain shit.

Next on the list is Sagittarius, and really you just drop a couple broken swords in a shitty circle and boil it down to "Yo, horse-fucker, you there?" It doesn't really take much to get this guy's attention.

_That is no way to speak to your **SUPERIOR** ,_ The Master of Herds snips back, and your skin is already crawling. Nothing you’re not used to, though.

You snicker. "Superior how?" you ask.

_I am a spirit of **HIGH RANK** and—_

"You have ranks?" you tease, knowing perfectly well that there is a power structure in place fathomable only to Rose.

_Yes, of course we have rank. All things have an order—_

"I don't have an order," you insist.

_Yes, you do. You are beneath—_

"Nah, dude," you tease him. "I am so not into that." You are so into that, but that's beside the point.

_I… what?_

"Look, I understand you gotta get your sexy beast thing on, but it's just not for me. Besides, my girlfriend is hella possessive. I wouldn't risk it if I were you," you explain. "My fine ass is on such lockdown you need three government guys in suits each with a different key to all unlock it at the same time just to get a peek. And then my girlfriend would incinerate you and also the government guys probably. Sorry, I don't make the rules."

The response back is mostly a wave of confusion and attraction, which only makes you smirk back at him. Finally, he objects, _I would never do such a thing!_

And there it is, the pivotal point. See, t-MoH will not ever do what you order him to do… unless you can get him to ask you to order him first. You lean forward with the sort of coy smile Dirk wishes he could pull off (okay probably not) and run your finger down the dull edge of one of the blades. "Unless…?" you prompt.

Attraction is suddenly coming through a lot clearer than the confusion. _Well… I suppose… I suppose I could perhaps be motivated to consider such a thing were you to… were you to **order** me…_

You wrap your hand around the blade in the lewdest way possible. "Would you be open to that?" you ask. "Would you be open to an order… from someone… so lowly… as me?"

T-MoH doesn't answer, but you can sense his eager perspiration. Pfft, gross. "I, the wickedest witch of the southwest, Dave Strider, order you, the Master of Herds, to…" Don't giggle. Don't giggle! God, t-BoS is a terrible influence. "to obey me… when I demand… that you… tell me what weaknesses you sense in my coven."

T-MoH is already too overwhelmed by his attraction to care that you tricked him, and you snicker at the way that he all but purrs, putty in your hands. What a freak! He tells you, _Your greatest weakness is that you are physically weak. Almost anyone could **take advantage** of you._ Ew, he totally just got off on that idea. _You must become **STRONG**! Train up your physical **STRENGTH** , like your brothers do!_

"Hey, I'm totally as strong as my brothers!" you object. That time, Bro definitely laughs. "STOP EAVESDROPPING, YOU PERVERT!" you yell out at him.

Suddenly, t-MoH disappears, but you sense— You open your eyes to find Li'l Cal right in front of your face. "AAAGH!" You run from your room screaming at Bro, who's snickering to himself in the living room. You tackle him and shove a cushion in his face. He easily pushes you over and shoves the cushion back in your face until you cry uncle.

Okay so maybe the creepy pervert spirit had a point.


	2. Chapter 2

You take a break from summoning through the next few moon signs. You've learned your lesson about letting Capricorn anywhere near your brain. Aquarius isn't exactly known for being helpful or even remotely aware even if he is trying to be helpful. Pisces would've said something before the Jasper ceremony. Instead you throw some bones between clients demanding love potions (ew, sugar water), heartbreak potions (actual potion and intent plus one of Rose's pamphlets), curses (sure, why not), and house exorcisms (all of which are thankfully not actually haunted).

A week later, the moon is in Aries. The Witch of Armageddon can give you no solid answers, either, though she does tell you that there is destruction both coming and past which have relation to each other. Unfortunately, you haven't got a clue what destruction she could be referring to in the past. Hell, the way things go with her, it might not have had anything to do with you.

Taurus, predictably, hasn't got a clue. Things like that aren't really his domain. You sent him back when he offered to hug it out. Gemini goes the same way except with more laughing at you. He did, however, appreciate the double-ended dildo you got him and promised he owed you one.

When the moon moves into Cancer, you know there's no hope. The Cancer of Cures isn't known for his foresight. In fact, there's nothing that makes more of a mess of him then trying to work through predictions or memory with him. But, well, you're running out of trolls.

"I call upon the Cancer of Cures, also known as Crabby McLoudmouth. He who must try to fix every damn thing but his own damn self and who will probably fail at it. He who is the reason why the word 'crabby' even exists as a personality trait. I call upon the patron saint of sticking your nose where it isn't fucking wanted."

He really should be shouting at you by now, or at least sending you intense psychic waves of 'shut the fuck up.'

"I, Dave Strider, the biggest of all pricks am going out of my way to specifically pester that entity Rose has entitled as The Cancer of Cures. This dick is searching for a CoC to communicate with. I wave my magic wand in his general direction privately begging that he might give me the slightest of attention. Oh, baby, please show me the CoC."

Still nothing. You're usually shut down by now. Your bullshit reservoir is already running low. Damn, you need more practice. Maybe you should pester John.

You dig your phone out of your pocket, but he's not on Pesterchum at the moment. So you send a message to Roxy instead.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  
TG: yo girl moons in cancer yeah?  
TG: sure is! y?  
TG: cant reach taco  
TG: t-CoC  
TG: autocorrect  
TG: wat i turned mine off dont it correct yr contractions?  
TG: dude i added that shit to dictionary first goddamn day  
TG: ell em ay oooooh!  
TG: he is so taco from now on  
TG: aw but i like my dick jokes  
TG: downright obsessed with cocks over here hasnt rose told you  
TG: pft like she needs to space can see your cock obsession  
TG: damn you google maps  
TG: ahaha! do you want me to call cancer for you?  
TG: cant hurt to try  
TG: okay brb  
TG: weird hes not answering me ether  
TG: what  
TG: no way we both pissed him off too much to shout at us  
TG: :(  
TG: did something happen?  
TG: not that i know of?  
TG: t-bos said somethings coming but she doesnt know what so ive been pestering every troll in the cycle  
TG: well not every  
TG: im not batshit  
TG: lol good to know  
TG: oversensitive as he is tho that dont seem the kind of thing to make him shut me down instead of scream my head off  
TG: and why would he be mad at you? youre adorable  
TG: aaawe!  
TG: brb  
TG: k yr sis says didnt he take to one of yr friends?  
TG: wow nice to know you share literally everything with rose  
TG: lol i thought u knew XP  
TG: whos supposed to be the twin here?  
TG: but yeah john, that magician dude? hes hillarious btw he was over once when the sun was in cancer and taco would NOT leave me alone like he cant hear you dude and im not telling him about the voices in my head get a clue  
TG: "exactly"  
TG: what you think i should invite john over to talk to my spirit for me?  
TG: "it is possible that if he is avoiding you that it is because he actually knows something useful to your endeavor"  
TG: "fair exchange works pretty well with spirits something you want for something he wants just as badly"  
TG: huh. okay. i guess ill go pimp out my bestie then ttyl  
TG: byes <3 x2  
turntechGodhead [TG] stopped pestering tipsyGnostic [TG]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]  
TG: yo bro come to my house well braid each others hair and raise the dead and decorate cookies you know girl stuff  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] is Away! --  
TG: cool see u soon <3  
turntechGodhead [TG] stopped pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

You try throwing more bullshit t-CoC's way for maybe a half hour or so. Admittedly not your best work. You get nothing back for your efforts. You give up, putting away blood-smeared crab shells and sweeping up pearls before moving into the kitchen to make a snack. "Boy, you know what would be nice right now?" you say to no one in particular. "Refrigerated food."

No one is listening.

Sighing, you pull a peanut butter/jelly combo jar from the cupboard. It's then that your phone lights up, playing the Ghostbusters theme. Huh, phone call instead of text? That's pretty rare. You pick up the phone and swipe to answer. "Hey, bro, miss me much?" you tease.

"Dude, you psychic or something?!" John Egbert's voice demands gleefully.

"Or something," you say. You realize as you're pulling out a slice that the bread is fuzzy and half green and nearly drop the phone. "Shit fuck UGH! BRO, I'M MOVING IN WITH DIRK!"

"AHA good luck, little man!"

"What happened?" John asks, suddenly concerned.

"Grody-ass bullshit is what happened. Yech. Hold on." You put the phone on the counter and press speaker phone so he won't be abandoned while you throw away the bread and wash your hands and maybe bleach them. "Okay, you're on speaker," you call out. "What's this about me being psychic?"

"Uh… Well, Jane's visiting soon, and I told her I'd introduce her to my friends. I thought we might drop by as a surprise!" he answers.

"Good thing I messaged you then," you grunt. "Do not surprise me, Egbert. And especially do not surprise Bro."

"Aha, I forgot you said that before."

"John, this is not a pranking challenge," you groan. "You are going to get a permanent reminder first time you get a sword to the face. You don't want that to be how your aunt-cousin meets your bestie, do you?"

"His what?" Bro asks, finally dropping by the kitchen to see what had made you scream. You point to the garbage. He looks in, makes a face, and writes a note on the fridge to get more bread.

"Jane Crocker's grandma is Betty Crocker, yes, THE Betty Crocker, and she’s the heiress of the empire," you explain. "John is actually Betty's _great_ grandson by a lady she adopted before meeting Jane's poppop, but before said lady found a lady love. He is _not_ an heir."

"Weird," says Bro. "That's not why he's suicidal, is it?"

"He's not suicidal, just doesn't see me in person much," you say. "Believe it or not, most people are not prepared for the ninja apocalypse. Now butt out." You pick up the phone again, turn off speaker and put it to your ear as you head back to your room, suddenly no longer hungry for some mysterious reason. "Okay, not on speaker anymore," you tell John. "That was Bro by the way."

"I guessed as much," John laughs. "So I'll see you in a couple weeks?"

Two weeks? You won't have the astrological advantage then. "Um, well, I was actually hoping for sooner," you say, trying to keep the whine out of your voice.

"Awe, sorry man, but I just can't make it to Houston right now. I'm booked just solid enough that it would be really hard to get there and back _and_ have time to do anything fun!"

You sigh and check the calendar. "Uh, is your cousin's tickets bought yet?" She wouldn't have to have tickets if these two assholes would fucking believe Jade and Jake.

"Nooo," says John suspiciously. "Why?"

"Dude, if you can put it off a couple more weeks… say 27th or 28th? I can get the whole gang together, and we can prank her mad hard."

You swear you can hear his ridiculous grin. "Oh really?" he asks. "What are you thinking?"

"Well, you remember what I do for a living, right?"

A confused pause. "… You're gonna rap at her?" he guesses.

Snrk. "What? Dude, no," you laugh. "The witchcraft!"

"Oh right!"

"John, we are gonna séance the hell out of your aunt-cousin."

"YES! AHAHA!" God, John is so easy to predict. "Okay, dude, I will definitely get her there on the 27th!"

"Awesome. Catch you later." You hang up, turn around, and open your bedroom door to, unsurprisingly, find Bro waiting for you there. "Yes, can I help you?" you ask as blandly as possible.

"Rose's house," he says. "You're not squeezing five more people in here."

"Yeah, because I'm totes gonna impress an heiress with our fantabulously spacious apartment," you say, despite the fact that it hadn't actually occurred to you yet. "I got this handled." You shut the door again in his face.


	3. Chapter 3

Your mom snaps a pic of you with her phone from around the nearest doorway, like you didn't know she was there. You roll your eyes and turn to her from where you stand not three feet from the front door. "What are you doing?" you ask.

"Getting a picture of you all nervous before your date arrives to take you to prom," she teases, then sticks her tongue out.

You roll your eyes and tell her, "I am not nervous."

"Of course, sweetheart," she purrs. She raises her iPhone and takes another pic.

You are grateful to be interrupted by the doorbell. You open the door and give them the most casual, "Hey guys, come in." They do. John leads in by the hand what appears to be an exact copy of himself only slightly girlier. Okay a little more than slightly. She's built like the Woman of Willendorf, all boobs and hip and thigh, while John's built like goddamn Santa Claus. They're both unfairly adorable. You close the door behind them. "Well, this is Lalonde Manor," you tell them. "Lurking over there is my bio-mom, Roma Lalonde. Literally everyone just calls—"

" _Doctor_ Roma Lalonde?" Jane squeaks, looking like John might if he'd just met Nic Cage.

Mom grins. "Hells yes, I am," she says proudly. She finally leaves the doorway to come forward and shake Jane's hand. "May I ask how you know of me?"

"You're one of the foremost genetics researchers!" Jane cries. "You've done more for the field than… than… I can't think what! You know, I almost had the opportunity to meet you once before, at a benefit party, but, well, you, um… you got thrown out."

Mom blinks down at her owlishly. Finally she says, "Sorry, I was drunk for several years there. You're gonna have to narrow it down."

Jane seems taken aback by this reply, while you're already planning possible escapes. "Uh… You threw a drink at my grandmother," she explains.

Mom thinks about this for only a second before saying, "Sorry, gonna have to narrow it down even more."

"Okay, well, that's my biological mother. Let's go meet the rest of the family!" you say quickly while shoving John and Jane toward the stairs. Mom snorts in amusement but doesn't attempt to continue the conversation.

Once Crocker thinks you're out of Mom's hearing (you're not), she asks, "If I may ask, what does she think about this?"

"Hm?" you ask back, genuinely clueless to her point.

"Despite her… problems, she _is_ a brilliant scientist," says Jane. "She must be disappointed that the entire younger generation of her close family has taken up witchcraft as a profession."

"Nah, I'm the only one making a living at it. Roxy codes professionally, Rose writes books, and Dirk's in porn," you say, hiding a smirk as Jane nearly trips on the stairs. You continue on as though you haven't noticed, "Besides, the thing about it is, as Bill Nye the Science Guy once put it, 'extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.' If you wanna prove that it's raining today, all you have to do is go outside and see that it's raining. If you want to prove that god exists, that's gonna take a bit more than 'no, dude, I've totes seen the J-man,' y'know? But that doesn't mean it's not real. You cannot, in fact, scientifically prove that a thing does not exist, only that you are not capable of perceiving it. You cannot prove that something doesn't work, only that it didn't work the way you did it. There are infinite variables which keep such things from ever being proven hard falsehoods, and Mom is enough of a 'brilliant scientist' to be aware of these fifth grade basics," you say in what is obviously a side-jab at Jane.

"Uh, Dave…" John starts.

To top it all off, you add, "Besides, Mom's not an asshole. Even if you could prove this is all bullshit, it obviously makes us more comfortable with ourselves and gives us a societal niche we're comfortable in and have been relatively successful in, so what kind of asshole would take that from their kids?"

The conversation drops into silence. Dammit, this was supposed to be fun. Why does the climb to the fucking observatory have to be so long?

"So what kind of books does Rose write?" asks Jane, and, wow, you did not expect her to be the one to turn this conversation around considering that you just berated the hell out of her.

"Like if Lovecraft wrote gay porn," you tell her. "On the milder end, there's some shit about wizards going up against some evil oppressor? Idk, I haven't read that one."

"I think you're being unkind to Rose," John teases. "There's no way she's as perverted as the rest of you."

"Ahaha, oh god, dude, you don't even know," you laugh. "Oh, man, did I tell you about Dirk and the dude at Starbucks?"

"I don't think so?" says John, and you can tell everyone is relieved by the subject change.

"Dude, so we're having some bro catch-up time at Starbucks, y'know?" (Actually you were trying to find out how Dirk always managed to keep Li'l Cal out of your shared room back when he lived with you.) "And Dirk goes to pick up his drink, and this other customer is like 'yo, I know you?' And Dirk is just deer-in-the-headlights for a split second before he tells the guy, naw, he's confused, and turns to go back to our table. The guy's like, 'Nah, nah, I know I know you! Come on!' And people are starting to look…"

"Oh god," Jane groans. Being smarter than John, she's already figured out where this is going. "I hate when people do that!" Or maybe not. Unless you've just learned something new about Jane? Nah. That's a bad move for an heiress.

"So Dirk's like 'Trust me, man, you don't wanna keep shouting about this.' And the guy's like, 'Why? Come on, don't be shy.' So Dirk just sighs and goes like, 'Dude, I'm not shy. I just figured you didn't want all of Starbucks to know that if you have ever seen me before it's because you paid to watch me stroke my cock over webcam.'"

That time, Jane does lose her footing, and you jump back a couple stairs to catch her and make sure she doesn't fall like the smooth-ass motherfucker you totally are. John is much too busy laughing his ass off. She blushes and thanks you. "Come on," you say. "Just a little further to the observatory."

"Your mom has an _observatory_?" gasps John.

"Please. It's totally Rose and Roxy's observatory," you say. You lead Jane the rest of the way because you're not a total asshole. "Anyway, I happened to be back at the same Starbucks a couple weeks ago, and the barista's like 'hey, aren't you the one who came in with the porn dude that got harassed?' and I'm like 'yeah, that's my bro' because meh explaining things to strangers. Turns out this guy like harasses customers in various ways like that on a regular basis and hasn't been back there since Dirk embarrassed the fuck out of him."

"Awe, that's actually cool," says Jane.

"Yeah, I'm like 'I didn't know there were that many camwhores in the area,'" you say.

"And now you've ruined it," grouses Jane, finally taking her arm from you. Ha, if she's not stumbling, that means she's used to you already. You guess? God, you are horrible at strangers.

You shrug. "Point is: free coffee."

"Dude, what?" Dirk says from the top of the stairs. "Don't mooch on my name. You completely owe me a coffee. I thought Bro still had a ban on caffeine anyway."

"In the apartment," you inform him. "You know he hasn't strifed with us in public since that time a concerned citizen called the cops and he started getting visits from DCS."

"And you've been using that to sneak coffee?" says Dirk. "I'm ashamed of your lack of creativity."

"Dude, I need to be top awareness for that goddamn puppet," you argue.

Dirk laughs at you. "You still haven't gotten it out of your room? Dude, just ask Bro to get it out."

"Yeah, but Bro only grants favors if you win against him."

"So?"

"So _I_ never win against him," you pout.

Dirk rolls his eyes at you, then nods to John and Jane. "Hey, Egbert. And you must be Ms. Crocker?" he says.

She steps past you and extends a hand to him. Oh god. "Jane Crocker," she says. "I'm pleased to meet you… Mr. Strider, is it?"

Dirk hesitates for a good seven seconds — you actually count them off — then holy shit he actually takes her hand and briefly shakes it. "As am I, Ms. Crocker. You can call me Dirk."

She smiles, pleased. "And you can call me Jane," she informs him.

He nods and motions to the door behind him. "Everyone's waiting in there," he says, and John eagerly pulls Jane along. You watch them go, slightly floored, and Dirk sneaks you a wicked look. "What, you think Rose is the only one who can be classy?"

"Dude, you wear a tank top and anime glasses and have a tattoo of Sweet Bro," you point out. "Hell yes, I knew you were a classy motherfucker." He snorts and follows you inside the observatory. The lights are off and there are candles strewn everywhere in an entirely hazardous way not only to your fellow clumsy assholes but also to all this scientific equipment. You lift your shades just enough to see better. Ah, electric candles. Of course. Nothing better to set the mood with.

"Hey, it fooled you," Rose teases, pretending to read your mind like you weren't hella broadcasting. She unfolds from her seat on the floor with absolute elegance and holds a hand out to the newcomers. "My name is Rose Lalonde. It is a pleasure to meet the both of you." They shake her hand and introduce themselves, and Rose fucking _curtseys_. Oh man, t-BoS is so missing out right now. "I believe you've already met my brother, Dave Strider, and his cousin, Dirk Strider. This is my cousin, Roxy Lalonde."

"Hiya!" Roxy chirps from the floor, the only one still sitting. A good thing she piped up then because you were about to trip over her.

Rose smiles as John and Jane say their hellos, and the smile quirks a bit mischievous just before she says, "And I believe you already know Jade and Jake Harley?"

John and Jane barely have time to be surprised before the Harleys tackle them from the shadows. As they collapse in a fit of giggles, someone is good enough to turn the lights back on. "Hiya, cuz!" Jade squawks from astride John's stomach. Jake is still holding a squealing Jane off the floor in an enthusiastic bear hug.

"Okay, maybe you should release her now?" Rose suggests.

Jake pouts but puts his cousin down and turns her around to face him, beaming down at her. "Hello, Jane! I'm so happy to see you!"

Finally recovered from the shock, she hugs him back. "Oh my gosh, Jake! Jade! I don't believe this! Oh, the elaborate lengths John will go to to mislead me!"

You and Jade exchange glances. Jade is the only witch in the Harley-Egbert-Crocker clusterfuck. Jane is a hardcore non-believer. John thinks you're shitting him every time you try to be serious about it. And Jake… well, it's always hard to tell what Jake actually believes, because he'll basically roll with anything. You wouldn't be surprised if he could live with a witch who has a god for a pet and still think the majority of this stuff is just silly. You also wouldn't be surprised if he believed every inch of it but just had very little interest in it. "Um, actually," says Jade. "We really are gonna do the séance. Jake and I were just surprising you."

"Awe, why?" Jane whines before thinking better of it. "I mean—" She stumbles for an excuse.

Rose, cool as ever, simply challenges, "Why not? It's all make-believe right? Then why so afraid?"

"I'm not afraid!" Jane insists. "Let's do this stupid seance."

"Magnificent," Rose purrs. Oh, poor, poor Jane. How well she was loved…

Dirk nods and steps forward, tuning attention to him. "Dave, get the lights again. Roxy, put the candles back in place. Jane and Jake, you can sit over there to observe. John, in the middle of the circle. Jade and Strilondes will take the five points."

"Um, why am I in the middle?" John asks as Dirk pulls him into place and shoves an electric candle in his hands. You go to the wall and turn out the lights.

"Because the spirit we're trying to talk to has a crush on you!" says Roxy.

"What?" he repeats.

Dirk shoves at his shoulders to make him sit on the floor. "Remember when I said there'd be a prank?" you tease him. "Prank's on you. Now sit." You take your seat at the point opposite him.

John grumbles in confusion, but he promised to participate, so he continues to participate. Everyone takes their places. You can hear Jane whispering to Jake, concerned about the mention of a prank. You pull a new crab shell out of your hoodie and a knife. You cut your palm open and lay it on the shell.

"Whoa! Dude, what?!" John objects.

"Hush, you big girl," you snip. "I've gotten my ass kicked enough times to have a higher pain tolerance. Let me work in quiet."

"You keep using girl as a pejorative when every woman you know is more talented and accomplished than you," Rose muses. "Is this perhaps a sign of mother issues?"

"Goddammit, Rose, of course it's about my mother issues," you snap. "You already know about my mother issues; you live with my mother issues. Now, _everyone shut their traps_." You close your eyes concentrate on the warm feeling of blood in the cut and on the texture of the crab shell beneath your hand. "I, Dave Strider Jr., call on The Cancer of Cures. I'll show you mind if you show me yours." Roxy giggles at that, but Jade hisses at you to behave yourself.

Roxy goes next, placing down a shell before cutting her hand with a small, short-handled scythe. She then places the scythe so that it angles around the shell and places her hand on top of the shell same as you. She concentrates and says, "I, Roxy Lalonde, call on The Cancer of Cures. Tell me a truth that hurts."

Next is Dirk. He reaches behind him and grabs a full-size medieval shield and places it down in front of him, getting a weird look from John, who is becoming increasingly uneasy at your lack of cheesiness and overacting. Dirk places another crab shell on the shield, then cuts his hand with another scythe, and places the scythe around the shell and his hand on the shell. "I, Dirk Strider, call on The Cancer of Cures. You may wish to protect us, but we must be allowed to protect ourselves."

And then Rose. She also pulls out a shield as well as a massive tumor preserved in a jar. That gets an "eeeew!" from John, Jade, and Jane and a "whoa, cool!" from Roxy and Jake. Roxy leans back to high-five Jake with her free hand, and John can't help but laugh. Rose ignores them, setting her shield down, her tumor on top of it, her crab shell on top of that, her scythe around the tumor, her bloodied hand on top of everything else. "I, Rose Lalonde II, call upon The Cancer of Cures. I understand his concern in evading us, but surely he must understand that this action only makes us all the more determined."

Finally, it's Jade's turn. She pulls a live crab out of her pocket (what the fuck?) and sets it down in front of her. She doesn't bother with the blood. "I, Jade Harley, call on The Cancer of Cures to stop being such a big baby!"

"WOW FUCK YOU!" John snaps at her in a loud, hoarse, entirely un-John-like manner.

"John!" Jane chastises, which almost makes you snicker.

T-CoC doesn't seem to notice her. Instead, he berates you. "WHAT ABOUT 'NO' DOESN'T MEAN 'NO' TO YOU, ASSHOLE?!" he shouts, and you can feel wind picking up around you. That's… That has never happened before. You cast a glance to Rose who has her 'I am carefully observing this for science' face on. Meanwhile, he continues shouting at you. "I REFUSE TO ANSWER YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS A MONTH AGO, SO NOW YOU'RE ALL GANGING UP ON ME TOGETHER? PULLING IN SOME BYSTANDER? WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

You're about to tell him off that you wouldn't have done it if he hadn't been so cagey in the first place, but, to your surprise, Dirk interrupts you, asking him, "Who killed Dave?"

Everyone turns to stare at him. "Um…" you say.

It's dark, and he has his shades on, but you're pretty sure he rolls his eyes. "Dave _Senior_ ," he corrects. Then, to t-CoC, "That's what this is about, isn't it? Why I've been having dreams. Why The Blindness of Scales says we're not secure. Something is coming and it has to do with Dave. So stop shitting around and tell us." Holy shit _what_?

The Cancer of Johns stares at him for a long moment. So does everyone else. Finally, t-CoC says, "YOUR ANCESTOR WAS LINKED TO ANOTHER SPIRIT OF MY SIGN, THE SUFFERER. IT IS BECAUSE OF THIS THAT I AM FAMILIAR WITH THEM."

"The thing that killed him," prompts Dirk.

"YOUR ANCESTOR WAS KILLED BY HUMANS," t-CoC snarls.

"Dirk… You're scaring Jane," Jake interrupts, but Dirk and t-CoC ignore him.

"By whose power?" Dirk snarls.

John/t-CoC leans forward toward him, and holy shit, he's floating! It's only like an inch, but you're sure. Jade must see it, too, because she's bent over for a better look at that one inch gap. "HAS IT OCCURRED TO YOU THAT THIS IS WHAT SHE WAS WARNING YOU OF?" asks t-CoC. "HAS IT OCCURRED TO YOU THAT YOU, IN YOUR VENGEFUL IDIOCY, WILL TEAR A BLOODY RIFT STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR OWN FAMILY AND FRIENDS AS YOU CLAMOR TO CORRECT A WRONG THAT HAS LONG PASSED?"

You squirm in your seat. "Um, Dirk—"

"By whose power?" Dirk snarls again.

T-CoC watches him carefully for a moment, and Roxy shoots you a worried look, but before anyone can call it off, t-CoC says, "THE SPIRIT THAT DISSIPATED THE SUFFERER AND POSSESSED YOUR ANCESTOR'S FRIENDS IS HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION, EMPRESS OF STARS."

Dirk considers. Then, he asks, "By whose order?"

"STRIDER—"

"By whose order?" he repeats. "What witch does she work with?"

T-CoC sighs, and plastic candles blow over. On the other side of John, Rose is scowling at her phone as she attempts to quickly tap out notes with only one free hand. Nice priorities, Sis. Jade is motioning for Jane and Jake to stay back. Roxy is frozen in a sprinting position, ready to let go of her shell and forcibly stop Dirk if, at any given moment, she decides it's necessary. Finally, t-CoC says, "THE CONDESCE WORKS WITH BETTY CROCKER."

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" Jane screams, and everyone turns to her.

All Dirk can say, jackass that he is, is, "No, it's not."

Jane snaps. Angrily, she storms to the circle, and you and Roxy leap out of your seats to stop her. Rose reaches forward and puts a hand on John, reciting words from memory. "Crocker, stop!" Dirk snarls. "You can't take him until we sever them!"

"Shut up!" she cries. Oh god, she's crying, no. "I know this is all a mean trick. I can't believe you got John to go along with this."

"John didn't—" you start, but she's having none of it.

"I'm taking him, and we're going back home, and I wouldn't be disappointed to never see any of you again. Jade, I'm aghast at your behavior, and I will be sending a letter to Nanna!"

"Um, okay, but you really can't—" Jade tries to interrupt.

Jane keeps going. "You're all terrible people, and you've been absolutely horrendous from the start," she says, and she reaches for John again, despite you having a firm hold on her arm and Roxy hugging her leg.

Dirk, who is apparently feeling abundantly helpful, laughs at her. " _We've_ been horrible? You're the one that asked a dude she just met what his mom thinks of his career choices."

She downright sneers at him. "With good reason, it would seem," she counters. "Now, let me go so I can take John home."

"No, not yet!" you shout. "Just—" And then, with all the elegance of a ballet dancer, she pulls her right leg right out of Roxy's grip, swerves on her left foot, and kicks you right in the face. Your head hits the floor hard. Ow. You're forced to lie there for a moment until your vision stops swimming. Everyone is shouting. You try to get up, but everything just swims again. You lay on your side so at least you can watch what's happening.

There's a windstorm kicking up around a wholly unconscious John, whom Jane is attempting to pull out of the circle. You've never seen anything like this before. Sure, one time, Dirk pulled you out of a communion and you passed out, but no one said anything about this shit. Jane, bless her heart, is still absolutely convinced that this is some Hollywood-level trickery done for shits and giggles at mostly her expense.

Jade is grabbing up shells and smashing them. She grabs at electric candles and twists them open and pulls the wires out before smashing the plastic under foot. There's too much arguing for you to hear her, but you recognize the movement of her lips. She's calling on the Witch of Armageddon, the force of entropy. Eventually, John drops, the wind disappearing entirely. He wakes up, confused. He doesn't know why everyone's yelling or why Jane is upset. Jane runs out of the room crying, and Jake runs after her. Jade checks on John while Rose, Roxy, and Dirk argue with each other, and you decide this is as good a time as any to pass out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I always make playlists really quickly when I start a new project, because it keeps my brain in the right mood, then my friends ask me to post it. So, here's Witchstuck on 8tracks: http://8tracks.com/napoleana/witchstuck


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